Lover of My Soul

I'm going to take a risk - according to Google, no one is really reading this except me anyway but it's a place to write. I'm going to go personal for a minute...

I am 3400 miles away from someone I care very much about. Someone in fact, that I love. In the past two summers I have operated under the mindset that a countdown, work, and spending time on the phone make it easier, while also trying to enjoy being home. It was ok - we survived and here we are, summer #3. I left with some tears this year but got on the plane out of my mind excited to come home. I am still so thrilled to be home and with my family and my attitude is very different. I am clinging to the time I have here at home because I was more than ready to be here and because I know I'm running out of "just being home" time. I didn't have the heavy lump in my throat when I called him the first day here, I didn't feel sad, lonely, or depressed because I have a summer ahead of me - I was content to be home. I am.

But tonight my family is off doing other things and my plans fell through so I am home. It is beautiful, finally getting cool, and smells wonderful of California plants and dry air. All of a sudden, while cleaning up the kitchen, it hit me. The dull ache and longing came back and I thought I might cry spontaneously with no warning. I turned on loud music and scrubbed the pots harder. I sent a text...two...three. It wasn't going to get better in my mind unless I magically wound up in his arms within the next 10 minutes.

Then I realized that the feeling itself is ok - it's good to 'miss' someone, I think it makes for a healthy relationship and makes you appreciate the time you do have. It's what I do with that feeling - so I directed it up. Yes up - to the real love of my life and giver of life. I prayed. I asked God to be my wholeness, my love, and to hold me. I asked him to be my love. And as soon as I finished cleaning and eating, I took off on a walk to enjoy what he has given me - love gifts if you will - and settled up on a hill overlooking Mount Tamalpais to journal. A 'date' perhaps.

So am I ready for this summer - and to be alone? I don't know... I like the idea sometimes but other times something is really missing. I LOVE being home but it still aches. But I think I just need to turn that ache over - and I know I'll have to do it repeatedly - so that God can use it to draw me to himself. He loved me first and I can't properly love if I don't love him back - first.

I'm sure it seems elementary but for a girl in love...profound!