I have to believe change happens and is possible. I have to believe 1 person making small changes everyday affects at least 1 person who then affects at least 1 person...and that ripples make waves. I have to believe culture changes - that we can learn from mistakes, tragedies, and successes. I have to believe that 300 people standing up for a cause or change can in turn affect 300 more and suddenly we looking at over a thousand people impacted by what started as a small organization of leaders. I have to believe in the change that occurs in 21 individuals who learn with me for a year. I have to believe I can make a difference.

Why?

Because if change isn't possible and I can't affect change - why wake up? Why get out of bed other than to benefit myself (and honestly I would rather be in bed!) and to eat and drink coffee? Why hold doors, say bless you, let someone merge in front of you, hold a child's hand, offer support in class, walk someone home, intervene in a conversation? Why NOT? I have to believe in change because every morning I wake up and go to a classroom full of 21 first graders who do not know the world around them and if change isn't possible then it would be my job to prepare them for a cruel, dangerous, violent, and suffering world. But that's not my job and who can look in the huge brown eyes of a little girl and tell her that she couldn't be president because she's a black female? Or judge the peanut of a boy by decided he will be one of those who assaults 1 in 4 women when he grows up? You cannot spend everyday with children and ignore the possibility of change. We need change - for them - with them - through them - and I'm in exactly the place where change has to start.

I can 'be different' on campus - I can say different things - do different things - get involved - look different because I like change but that won't keep first graders from growing up and perpetuating whatever system they experience at home and in school. The change starts small - with small people...small, bright, optimistic, untainted people who believe in change.

So yes, I believe in change and I make change and it matters.

2 weeks of loneliness, overwhelming amounts of work, lack of purpose at internship and in general...I'm tired, worn out by treading water and trying to stay afloat.

Realized that perhaps what I needed was connection.

Hug someone, hear someone, talk to someone - about more than class, the weather, and sports - heart pouring and sharing, mending, and breaking but a togetherness that is casual, critical, and glorifying, uplifting, refreshing, and joy-restoring.

A connection makes a circuit whole - the electricity can move and I can do this, I can swim I can float I can make purpose, find purpose, and be purposeful because I am not alone.

blank notebooks. crisp college-ruled pages, new pens - the smell of old classrooms at UConn.

Saw Julie& Julia - at the risk of being cliche, it was inspiring, I get intense joy & satisfaction out of cooking. I will not blog it but I will try at least 1 new recipe a week (NOT Julia Child's - Joy of Cooking or Rachel Ray) until I finish school...when I join the "real world" I will do it more often.

There I said it. Now I have to do it.

lock box on the door

There's a lock box on my grandparent's front porch. It holds the key to their home ... to my 2nd home ... to the heart of our family. This home is all I know - all my mom knows, all my uncle knows.

I walked out as they walked in - tried to smile and appear unstartled by their intrusion.
Should I let go and spill it?
Do they have any idea what it feels like to suddenly see them gaping at every nook and cranny in the house, analyzing the costs and benefits?
Oh you should know:
the stairs creak there's no way around it
the sun shines in the room at the top of the stairs and wakes you up early.
the birds love the feeder by the kitchen and when it's empty they climb on the screen.
the backyard fills with bees in the summer - I remember being stung there
there used to be a hammock between the two trees out back
the round garden used to be a pool - swam there night and day, sometimes washed my hair and when I was little I skinny dipped.
The tree to the right by the road is great for climbing
the guest house smells like pool chemicals and bird seed, I love it.
the basketball hoop is old but it is special
the front yard is the perfect size for massive family wiffle ball games
the front room is a great place to nap
the fireplace is the coziest place in the house
the recliner is essential to the memories here
family pictures work best on the back stair
you'll need a swing out front, they're taking that one with them
the attic is scary
the basement door has an old lock but it makes a great noise and those stairs creak too
keep the spare key on the front porch
the pantry is a great place to hide
always hang christmas ornaments from the beam
the weeping cherry out front is special - don't cut it down
the gravel on the driveway lets you know that someone is home
flash the front lights when someone leaves - it lets them know you love them and miss them already

they won't know...they can't know - this isn't their home, it's Gaga&Papa's.
I'm not ready for change.