Home.

5 years now of leaving what I'm making my 'home' for where my family is - which will always be home because it's where they are.

this is a hard thing to figure out. I love being here - it's cozy, they're here...but I'm not "back home" I'm visiting...right?

What part of me is still here? Some of my belongings - though not a lot, mostly ornaments, books, and my empty dresser - my heart - for sure - but am I supposed to come back and melt back in or be different? It's a hard line to figure out. I'm grateful I am independent and confident enough to be ok with calling my apartment home...many go right back to being a 'kid' again when they live with their parents, not sure that's the way to go. Still hard to figure though...

Home for the Holidays.

amazing grace

I ache - my heart aches - I go for hours unthinking and then WHAM it's like bricks and this huge gaping whole left by such a small girl. Her beaming smile, giggles, backwards hugs, Hello Kitty socks, six pack, gymnist body, adorable accent (from where - not sure!), and obsession with Matt & the "Disney Game." The anticipation waiting for her to arrive - counting the months, weeks, days - meeting her, unable to hold her long enough to cuddle (always on the go). Sunday - asking her to hug me before she left - making her turn back to where I was standing and scooping her up in a bear hug - a kiss on the cheek, "I love you and I'll see you soon k?"

Amazing Grace.


Grace:

• a state of sanctification by God; the state of one who is under such divine influence;
  
• elegance and beauty of movement or expression;
  
• seemliness: a sense of propriety and consideration for others;
  
• a disposition to kindness and compassion;
• decorate: make more attractive by adding ornament, colour, etc.;
  
• a short prayer of thanks before a meal
• deck: be beautiful to look at;
  
• the free and unmerited favor or beneficence of God;
• a beautiful girl brought into and deeply a part of our family - now a real princess with her King but taken so soon
  

{amazing grace}

expectations of change

Change?
Haven't seen much since 1/20/09 - the day a lot of people counted down to...myself included. And now the man has received the Nobel Peace Prize. I suppose it has lost its value somewhat seeing as they nominated him only 10 days after he was elected. Simply because he is the first African American President? Or because he got more people to vote? He could continue to not get anything done and be satisfied because he has now received Man of the Year and the Nobel Peace Prize for doing absolutely nothing but existing and running for office. I respect him - I voted for him - but the Nobel Peace Prize should be reserved for fantastic work.

I have to believe change happens and is possible. I have to believe 1 person making small changes everyday affects at least 1 person who then affects at least 1 person...and that ripples make waves. I have to believe culture changes - that we can learn from mistakes, tragedies, and successes. I have to believe that 300 people standing up for a cause or change can in turn affect 300 more and suddenly we looking at over a thousand people impacted by what started as a small organization of leaders. I have to believe in the change that occurs in 21 individuals who learn with me for a year. I have to believe I can make a difference.

Why?

Because if change isn't possible and I can't affect change - why wake up? Why get out of bed other than to benefit myself (and honestly I would rather be in bed!) and to eat and drink coffee? Why hold doors, say bless you, let someone merge in front of you, hold a child's hand, offer support in class, walk someone home, intervene in a conversation? Why NOT? I have to believe in change because every morning I wake up and go to a classroom full of 21 first graders who do not know the world around them and if change isn't possible then it would be my job to prepare them for a cruel, dangerous, violent, and suffering world. But that's not my job and who can look in the huge brown eyes of a little girl and tell her that she couldn't be president because she's a black female? Or judge the peanut of a boy by decided he will be one of those who assaults 1 in 4 women when he grows up? You cannot spend everyday with children and ignore the possibility of change. We need change - for them - with them - through them - and I'm in exactly the place where change has to start.

I can 'be different' on campus - I can say different things - do different things - get involved - look different because I like change but that won't keep first graders from growing up and perpetuating whatever system they experience at home and in school. The change starts small - with small people...small, bright, optimistic, untainted people who believe in change.

So yes, I believe in change and I make change and it matters.

2 weeks of loneliness, overwhelming amounts of work, lack of purpose at internship and in general...I'm tired, worn out by treading water and trying to stay afloat.

Realized that perhaps what I needed was connection.

Hug someone, hear someone, talk to someone - about more than class, the weather, and sports - heart pouring and sharing, mending, and breaking but a togetherness that is casual, critical, and glorifying, uplifting, refreshing, and joy-restoring.

A connection makes a circuit whole - the electricity can move and I can do this, I can swim I can float I can make purpose, find purpose, and be purposeful because I am not alone.